Repressed anger

I am tired. I am tired of taking shit. I am tired of repressing my feelings for the sake of other people. Why can others tell me whatever they want without the minimal thought behind, but I have to control myself just because I can?

Why do other people have the right to apologize? The right to be sorry? While I’m here biting my tongue and thinking first to make sure no hurtful words are leaving my mouth, you’re out there letting whatever trash you’re thinking come out.

It makes me angry, it seems unfair. I should be able to hurt your feelings just like you did mine, and later apologize and make it a done deal. “But I apologized” right? That should erase everything, that makes things right.

It’s not like it adds to the deep pool of repressed anger I have inside me towards the world. Towards the people that have themselves first and myself last. Towards myself for not being able to do the same.

The deep pool inside me filled with all the hurtful things I wanted to say to people after they hurt me. Because if I’m not the adult with control over their thoughts then our relationship is doomed, isn’t it? Because if I responded to all the hurtful things people said to me with how I really felt, I’d spend my life feeling guilty. Because I am a decent human being that regards other humans.

Even though I’m sure you don’t. I’m sure you’re out there saying whatever the fuck you want with no looking back. No regrets, right? Not even looking back for a minute to all the shitty things said.

I’m tired of the fucking broken record. Fuck you for being mean to me. It’s not like I owe people shit. Not to the people who walk around acting like they don’t owe me shit. Not even the thirty seconds it takes to think “Am I an asshole for even thinking this?”

Spoiler alert. You are.